And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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