Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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