as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
