I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
