Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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