Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
