I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
