he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
