Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
