There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
