Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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