i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
