I feel great
I just peed on a car
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
