Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
