Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
