he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
