when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
