When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize