you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
