Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
