that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i want to swaddle you in tequila
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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