I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
