Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
