It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
