You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
