I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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