Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
