The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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