I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
