speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
