would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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