areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
