Girls should come with a carfax report
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
