Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
