I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
