Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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