I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
