I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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