i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
