apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
