Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
