Will you blow on my dice?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
