he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
