Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
