I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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