Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
