Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
