i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
