Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
