It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
