Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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