First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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