just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
