no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
