I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
