were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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