Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
