I've blown a few things in my day
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
All I want is dick and wine.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
