His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
