The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
