If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
