he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
